In the… ouch 6+ months since my last post, a lot of things have changed for me.  No, I’m not in a relationship.  But I am in a 12 step program.  I’ve been sober for 3 months, 17 days as of this post.

It was a necessary step.  I tried to hide my alcoholism, and I guess I did a fairly good job.  But I couldn’t hide it from myself.  And drinking was leading me down a bad road.  I feel good.

I also quit drinking soda a month and 16 days ago.

Taking steps to a better me.


No relationship, but I’ve got stronger friendships, and for the first time ever, I have real girlfriends.  And boy are we petty bitches together.

I won’t pretend that I’m fine, but things are pretty fair, and I’m so happy about the social aspect of my life.



Long time, no blog

I’ve been neglecting this blog, and I promise, once things start moving again, I’ll update more.  But for now, still single, still frustrated, but actually not upset about it.  It makes me sad that I’m now 36 years old, and I’ve been single since I was 29.  I don’t want to go into 40 alone.  I don’t want to settle, but I really don’t want to be alone anymore.

Relax Melodies (Premium) by Ipnos

Disclaimer: this is NOT a paid advert for this app, nor from the publisher.  I’ve been a long-time user of the product and like to share my experiences.


Today I’m talking about Relax Melodies by Ipnos I first downloaded it in December 2012, because I needed something to unwind with and to use while I was making art.  I had tried the competition on the Play store (I have Android devices, though it’s available through the Apple app store as well as the Microsoft app store, but that one is more limited device-wise) but none of them provided what I wanted.  I even was trying binaral beats, but nothing.

Then I found the free version of Relax Melodies and I was hooked.  The main draw for me was the ability to mix sounds.  You don’t have to just pick whale sounds or thunder, you can  choose whale sounds and underwater, and mix those with white noise, too.

And recently (not super recently, but recently) through the Premium version (which I highly recommend) they introduced guided meditations.  Now that is a purchasable addition AFAIK, and I admit, I bought the package when it was first released, so I’m not sure what the price point is, especially outside of the US.  But it’s definitely helpful.


You get everything from the expected (the whales, thunder, waves on the beach) to the needed but often neglected (dryer, vacuum, fan)
to the “I didn’t know I needed this one” of crackling fire, wind chimes, trains in the distance, highway sounds, even monks chanting.)

This has been quite a lifesaver for me, because I have chronic insomnia, and even with medication, it can be really hard for me to unwind.  All I have to do is go to the “favorites” tab, pick one of my mixes, and bring myself down.


It’s also fantastic for meditation (non-guided) and yoga.  It’s considered one of the highest rated apps out there, and for good reason.  It can’t hurt to try the free version.


Also available through Ipnos Soft: Relax Melodies Oriental, Relax Melodies Seasons, and Alarm Clock Sleep Sounds.

Cancelled Plans

Few things anger me more than cancelled plans at the last minute.  I was supposed to have a date last Friday, but Thursday night, I hear from him and he says he’s not coming.  No “Sorry, I can’t make it.” No “Maybe we can go out some other time.”

“Hey, I think I’m actually just gonna stay home tomorrow.”

Thankfully, I was out, so by the time I was able to really react, my temper flare had burned down to an ember.  But don’t think I’m not upset. This was going to be a first date.  Obviously, it’s not going to happen.  He pursued me, not the other way around, so to do that was at best a little rude.

I ended up going out with friends to do Friday night karaoke, which I don’t get to do often anymore, and I’m so grateful for that.

I ended up getting sick sometime over the weekend, so now I’m basically stuck at home.  Not fun.

Adult Dating is Hard

Honestly, I haven’t really dated since… 1999?  I met my now ex-husband in high school, in October of 1997.  We never really dated, we just kinda decided we were a couple and then a few months later (February 14th 2000) we went to the court house and got married.  And didn’t tell anyone.  We were absolute idiots.

But before he and I were a we, I dated a few boys, but nothing really long-term.  The only guy I really ever “dated” was a boy I met when I was 15, who told me he was 17.  He was over 21, but didn’t look it, and was here on an expired student visa.  It was a mess.

So, honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing.  That’s a big part of the reason I’d prefer to have someone else make the moves.  Ask me out.  Don’t just say we should hang out, make a plan.  Make it romantic.  Show me that you’re making effort.

I’m tired of casual.  I want something real.

Mediocre Cupid

I hate OKCupid.

Of course, you get what you pay for, and since it’s a free website, your expectations can’t be that high.  I’ve been stood up twice recently, and had a date up and cancelled on me for no apparent reason.  And let’s be honest, the guys on there aren’t exactly stellar.

I’m not looking to “hook up” with anyone, so that knocks about 60% of the men out of contention by default.  I’m not into being with couples, so there goes about another 10%.

That leaves about 30%.  Not a great number.  And from that, I have to figure out which guy who can’t figure out how to fill out his profile, or is a torso, or is clearly lying is my future mate?  Feh, I say.

Perhaps next year I’ll try out one of the pay sites.

If life were fair, none of this would be a necessity.  Alas, it is.  For me.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.

And I’m so, so sick of making the first move.  I don’t like making the first move.  So often men act like that’s a sign of desperation, when really, it’s just a sign of being willing to be proactive.  But…

Whatever.  It’s hard not to get jaded.

I’m Not That Girl

I hate that there are people out there who think that they can use me.
I mean, I really, truly hate it.
There are a few people in my life who have made it clear that they don’t really care whether or not I’m actually interested in them, they’re willing to try to get me drunk enough to be able to, I don’t know, fool around with me without my actual consent? It’s not going to happen. Especially not with MARRIED men. No thank you. I will not be your side piece. I will not help you betray your partner. No. Absolutely not.

And to think I would want to do that, it hurts. And it makes me so angry that someone could think so little of me.

I have too much self-respect for that. And too much respect for relationships. That disgusts me. Truly. I don’t trust people who behave that way. I don’t like people who behave that way, and I certainly do not respect it.

Unfortunately this doesn’t just happen on dating websites, but when out at karaoke, it’s happened. And while I don’t show it while I’m out, I’ve been known to go home and cry about it. Judge that all you want, but it’s just so disrespectful. To me and to their partner. And even if they have an open relationship (though I often doubt when a man tells me that, for good reason, too.) I don’t want to be a part of that. I’m a monogamous person. I believe in commitment. I am exclusively interested in being a relationship with someone who feels the same way, and only wants to be with me.

Just talking about this turns my stomach.

Today’s Dating Culture

I don’t get today’s dating.

There’s no wooing. It’s “come over and chill” and “Let’s hang out.”
If that works for you, hey, I’m genuinely happy for ya. As for me, no thank you.

I desire romance. I want to be wooed. I want to be courted. I want sweetness, and butterflies, wine and roses. Actual dates, not just “hanging out.”

I like the way dating used to work, where a man actually picks a woman up, takes her out, gives her a nice, romantic time, brings her home and doesn’t just expect to jump into bed. I know, it’s idyllic. It’s not entirely reality-based, but it sounds so amazing.

I don’t want Netflix and Chill. I’f I’m watching Netflix, I’m probably sitting at home in my jammies with my cat.

A girl can dream.